Day 27

I have so much work that needs to be done this weekend, but nothing got done today. I have to get Statistics notes from Friday because I missed class, read four chapters of Biology, study for a Biology exam that I have Monday, and re-do my annotated bibliography for Latin American Politics.

Instead of doing any of the above today, I slept in until noon.  Then I got up, watched some football, looked for pictures of Madrid on Flickr, and then decided to go to Petsmart and Barnes and Noble.

At Petsmart, I couldn’t tear myself away from the fire-bellied toads. I have wanted one for so long. They even had the brighter-colored Oriental ones. I called my mom to see what she thought, and she was fine with the idea of me buying one. Her only concern was me getting caught by the RA, because we’re only allowed to have fish. However I know of a cat living in an apartment, at least two dogs living in dorms, and I believe there is a hamster or gerbil on my end of the hall (I saw the girl cleaning the cage in the bathroom).

So I purchased one of the brightest, yet smallest, toads. I also bought a cricket keeper, ten crickets, and cricket food. For a home, I purchased a Firebelly Landing. It’s basically a 11″ wide, 4″ high round container for amphibians. It was pretty cheap, and I’m intending on only using it for temporary housing. When I go home for Fall Break, I’m going to bring back my unused 6 gallon Eclipse aquarium and set him up in that once I return to school. I’m going to leave his current housing at home, that way I’ll only have to bring the toad and the crickets home.

I have yet to decide on a name. I’m bouncing between Ridley and Finley. I’m kind of leaning towards Finley for my toad, and that way I can save the name “Ridley” for my future dog.

Day 24

I’m still depressed.

I really just want to disappear and not return to my current life. I’m sick and tired of being lonely, and the monotony of everyday is literally killing me.

Today in my Latin American Politics class I received my annotated bibliography back.  To my shock and dismay I received a 6/10 score; that’s a 60%.  I was extremely disappointed, as I had worked really hard to complete everything to the best of my ability. It feels like such a slap in the face.  Apparently four of my sources were not from scholarly journals, even though I had used the library’s search engine. The professor, Prof. T, has given us until Monday to make the necessary corrections.  The highest grade I can now receive is a 9/10.  I really want to do well because this bibliography is worth 10% of our final grade.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to attend any more of my “On the Ball” gym classes. It just causes too much stress and anxiety, and I’ve decided it just isn’t worth all of that. I’m going to take an “F” in the class and take “Fitness Walking” again in the Spring. I’m sure my advisor is going to love hearing that…but oh well.

The one bright spot in my day was my Biology class.  We went digging for dirt and fossils at a place 20 minutes from campus. I loved getting dirty and looking for bones and sharks’ teeth.

Day Fifteen

I e-mailed Dr. B again in regards to excusing my absences again because I still had yet to hear from her. I received no response throughout the entire day, and once again was worried that I was being ignored.

Ashley and I did laundry tonight, and while doing so, we both read for our classes. So it was a productive evening. Despite reading for a few hours, I’m still not caught up with the reading for my Latin American Governments class.

On our several trips to and from the dorm while doing laundry, I noticed that the lights in Dr. B’s office were still on. At first I thought that it was just the housekeeping people cleaning, but then I realized that she was in her office. This was at 9:00 p.m.! On my and Ashley’s last trip to the dorm, Dr. B was walking out of her office while talking on the phone, and headed straight for us. I decided that I was just going to ignore her, as she was already occupied and seemed to be ignoring my e-mails. As she passed me and realized who I was, she stopped and told the person she was on the phone with to “Hang on a minute.” Dr. B told me to just e-mail her what I wanted her to say to the professors and who it needed to be sent to. She then winked at me twice, and I’ve yet to figure out why. Is she just planning on replying to me in person, or was it just dumb luck that I saw her in person twice when I was waiting on a response from her? I don’t get it. I think I’ll no longer correspond with her or bother her; I think that’s what she wants.

Day Fourteen

Today was not as productive as yesterday. The only things I accomplished were completing the assignments for Chapters 3 and 4 in Statistics and reading the remainder of Chapter 1 in Biology.

I did get to watch football, which could be why today was less productive than yesterday.

Day Thirteen

Today has been surprisingly productive….Seriously.

So far today I have:

1. copied Statistics notes from the class I missed on Wednesday

2. washed some dirty dishes

3. finished the first Biology lab that was assigned

4. found an example of an annotated bibliography as I have one due Monday the 24th

5. went back and highlighted the important concepts in three articles for my Speech class

6. got caught up on my blog posts

7. Read part of Chapter 1 in my Biology book

I think this might be one of my most productive days ever as far as school work is concerned. All of this was accomplished in between watching college football.

Tomorrow I hope to:

1. wash my clothes/do laundry

2. complete the Statistics assignments for Chapters 3 and 4

3. study for a Statistics quiz on Monday on Chapters 3 and 4

4. read Chapters 1-3 in my Biology book

5. read/highlight 2 chapters in my Latin American Governments class

Day Twelve

Today I went to both of my classes.

Statistics went well. It was long and boring, but fine. When I approached the professor and explained in simple and non-descriptive terms why I was absent, she said she really didn’t care and that it didn’t matter. Her class is one of the few classes in which attendance doesn’t matter; if you’re there, you’re there, if you’re not, you’re not.

Biology didn’t go quite so well, and I’m afraid my one absence in that class will affect me for the remainder of the semester. Apparently last class everyone got their own microscope, and put it in a cabinet near them. I went looking for a microscope, but there were none to be found, except on the back table. This means that for possibly the rest of the semester, I will have to work by myself and away from everyone else. I don’t like this at all. On top of that everyone was given a lab packet on Wednesday. I went to the professor and explained to him why I was absent and that I had contacted the Dean regarding my absence, but had yet to receive a reply. He then told me that he left the extra lab packets at his house. This means that I’ll be a whole entire lab behind and will probably have to make up the lab on my own.

I still have yet to receive a response from Dr. B regarding her excusing my absences. I hope that she got the e-mail, and I also hope that she’s just busy and not that she’s ignoring me. Hopefully I will hear good news from her on Monday. If not, I will do my best to get excuse notes from Dr. T.

It is quite early in the evening, but I think I’m headed to bed. I’m bored, and I’m increasingly fatigued, probably due to the amount of blood that I’ve lost.  

Day Eleven

Today I once again skipped my gym class. Things are STILL not under control, and it is really starting to concern me.

I did, however, go to my speech class. It was relatively uneventful and pretty boring, but nothing embarrassing happened, so I was grateful. One girl, Mallory, who is in that class and also in my gym class said that they missed me in “On the Ball” today. This made me feel really good. Someone noticed I wasn’t in class….I usually think that I’m invisible to people, but it is moments like these that change that thinking.

I started work again at the Welcome Center today. It really just isn’t the same without Holly there. I will miss being able to talk with her this year; she was another member of my support network that I have lost in some way. I can still e-mail and call her, but like Dr. B she just isn’t as accessible as she used to be.

Today they had me working on organizing the Imagebank. It is the most mind-numbing job ever. Today I was able to work in a cubicle, so I took many long breaks during my three hours there, and even read some in order to complete some class assignments. A recently-hired lady, Sarah, sat in the cubicle next to me. We talked a lot and she seems like a really nice person.

I was kind of disappointed that my appointment with Dr. S only lasted 30 minutes. She e-mailed me mid-morning to apologize saying that something unavoidable came up and she would have to leave at three for 30 minutes, leaving only 30 minutes for our appointment. I will take any time with her over no time with her.

I finally relayed to her the problems I have been having. In order to accomplish this, I edited and printed out some of my blog posts from this week. She understood why I had difficulty telling her, but said that after having two kids there isn’t a whole lot that she doesn’t feel comfortable telling people. Dr. S said that she didn’t see any reason why the Dean, Dr. B, wouldn’t excuse these absences. She also said that Dr. T may want to put me on the pill in order to regulate my menstrual cycle. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this, but it isn’t a definite yet.

Dr. S also answered another question that had been bothering me. I had been wondering what she decided to do with the picture that I gave her at the end of last year. I hadn’t seen it anywhere in her office or the Counseling Center. She told me that she found a special place for it in her home, and that she told her kids that a “friend” gave it to her.

I e-mailed Dr. B asking if she could excuse the numerous absences that I’ve had this week. I didn’t put in the e-mail exactly what had occurred; only that my absences were due to the same medication side affects that I told her about on Tuesday. I hope to hear back from her soon, and I also hope that she agrees to excuse them.

Day Ten

Today I skipped both of my morning classes. I just couldn’t go when I was worried about having another embarrassing moment when the root cause wasn’t under control. I hope I didn’t miss much. I know that I missed a lab in Biology which I’ll have to make up later (hopefully Friday).

I did make it to my Latin American Governments class, and much to my surprise an embarrassing moment didn’t occur.

I’ve already decided that I’m not going to my gym class tomorrow. I just can’t have another moment like I had on Tuesday.

I’m going to talk with Dr. S tomorrow about this entire situation. Hopefully she will understand why I’ve had so much trouble telling her this. I’m hoping also that she’ll think that I can get the absences excused by the Dean because they are medically related.

I’m extremely sad tonight, yet I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed. I keep thinking about the end of this school year and how I’ll have to say good bye to Dr. S and Dr. B, perhaps it’ll be the last time I ever see them.  These two women make up my support network here at R-MC, and I don’t know what I’ll do without them. I don’t think they know just how much I depend on them. I can’t stop crying.

I have to write a short paper tonight which is due tomorrow. I have yet to start it and it is 10:10 p.m. now. In addition I have to do a few loads of laundry, including my sheets. I have a feeling tonight is going to be a very long night; I guess I better go and make an attempt at getting started. 

Day Nine

Man, what a day today was. It had really bad and horrible parts, and also really good parts.

I guess I should warn anyone who reads this now: if you are squeamish or don’t want to know about my bodily functions, STOP reading now. I am posting this just so I have a record of what has been occurring, not for public information.

I have had my period for around two weeks now, and lately it has been extremely heavy with a lot of clotting. I normally have heavier periods than most, but this has even exceeded that.

I went to my “On the Ball” gym class, which went horrible wrong. I bled through my pad which I had put in less than an hour and a half earlier. I could feel it happening…which was the worst part. So I left the class once in order to dispose of the clots which had come out. I just told the instructor that I was on medication that caused me to become nauseous, and she said that was fine as we weren’t going to do anymore bouncing today. I had to leave class again when I looked down at my ball and noticed there was two spots of blood on it. This was near the end of class, so I just stayed in the bathroom until the end of the class. I don’t think I’ll return to the class while my period is flowing this heavy to avoid incidents such as this in the future.

Due to the amount of blood flowing, I decided not to attend my second class, as I didn’t want to have to continually leave class to attend to this. I really didn’t want to miss class, but felt like I had little choice. I can’t go around everywhere bleeding through my clothes; not only is it embarrassing, it also isn’t sanitary.

Next I met with Dr. B for a short period of time in order to give her the magnolia drawing. I knew I could leave the meeting with her at any time in order to attend to things, which is the only reason I went to see her (besides really wanting to give her the drawing). When I pulled out the wrapped drawing, she nearly spit her drink out and said, “Sweet Jesus! What is this?” I nearly laughed out loud. She asked if I had wrapped it, and I told her I did; I think she was impressed. She was very impressed with the drawing and loved it. She is going to hang it in her office, but for now she has it perched in her window. She showed it to her secretary, and began to brag about my talent, and said, “I’ll have to show you her photography some day!” The secretary agreed that I had talent, which made me blush, but at the same time feel good about myself (one of the very rare times I’ve felt this way). Dr. B told me I could easily sell my photographs and art, because my stuff was every bit as good as the stuff being sold at the Eastern Market in D.C. I told her how I felt bullied by Dr. S into signing the forms. She told me to discuss it with her and not be the passive one. I made an appointment to come back and see Dr. B after I had met with Dr. S.

I was 15 minutes late to my meeting with Dr. S. I did this because I wanted to see if she would get freaked out by me not showing up; she didn’t. So I showed up at 2:15, and we went into her office. She thinks we got to the root of all my problems today. I told her some things that I’ve never told anyone, and it made me feel relieved when she told me I wasn’t crazy and that everything was making sense. We concluded that my father completely abandoned me and that my mother emotionally abandoned me. Dr. S said that my relationship with my mother is more confusing and more damaging than that which I have with my father. Since my father completely left my life, it was easier to handle. But with my mother emotionally abandoning me, yet being physically present it causes greater confusing for me. I then told Dr. S that since my mother emotionally checked out I look to other people, such as herself and Dr. B, to fulfill that need. It is completely true. I’ve come to look at both of them as mother-figures, and they give me the nurturing that I don’t receive from my mother. Dr. S said that was natural, which made me feel relieved. I then worked up the courage to ask her if I could see her twice a week. To my surprise she said yes, for now, but if her schedule became more full, then I’d have to go back to once a week. I’m hoping to continue to see her twice a week. It gives me something to look forward to, and I look forward to being able to talk to someone about anything and everything. Additionally, I want to make improvements after I see her so I can come to my next appointment and tell her everything that I’ve accomplished.

 My second meeting with Dr. B went well. We discussed my appointment with Dr. S and I told her about the abandonment issues. She agreed that my mother emotionally abandoned me, and then I said, “That’s why I come to see people like you.” She clearly didn’t understand what I meant because her reply was, “What? To have realizations such as these?” I just nodded my head, because I couldn’t explain the truth to her. I hope to be able to stay in frequent contact with Dr. B as I love talking with her.

Day Eight

I spent all weekend working on a drawing of a magnolia for Dr. B. I told her that I wanted to give her a picture, but after some thinking I felt as if she deserved more than just a print I stick in a frame.

I e-mailed her in the wee hours of this morning to tell her that I had something I wanted to give her. By the afternoon, I hadn’t heard back from her, and this really hurt me. I felt as if she was ignoring me. I had pretty much given up hope of receiving a response from her.

Ashley (a new friend with whom I eat dinner with almost every night) and I went to the R-MC activities carnival tonight. It involves the R-MC clubs and Greek organizations, along with local businesses, setting up tables around the campus fountain in an attempt to get people to join their clubs/organizations, and to frequent their businesses. After Ashley and I had eaten dinner, which was being served outside, we began to go around collecting all the free stuff being given away. While we were standing in front of the Theatre Group’s table, Dr. B came up to me and began to speak to me. She apologized for not replying, saying that she was in and out of the office today, and that tomorrow would be a better day for me to visit her. While we were conversing, the President of the College approached us. Dr. B introduced me to him, and I was completely flustered and probably had a dumb-struck look on my face. The two of them began to talk, so I took that as my cue to leave, but I couldn’t have been more happy. She approached me, which is unusual as I normally always go to her.

The next person I ran into at the activities carnival was Prof. Bd. She was very happy to see me, and said that she was wondering how I was doing. We chatted for a bit and I told her that I would visit her at her office soon.